Australian Emigration Newsletters

AJIS Australian Emigration Newsletters

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These Newsletters are intended for the free enjoyment of all BBS users regardless of species, philosophy, habitat of origin or sexual persuasion(s). As such they are copyrighted by Anonymous Jones, Raleigh, NC, who cheerfully grants the right to their free reproduction and distribution for not-for-profit purposes. If you do reproduce them, please give credit to:

(919) 832-0035

Thanks, Anon

Anonymous Jones’ Australian Emigration Newsletter #01


In these days of conflict and discontent, it seems prudent to have a rain plan for those extreme circumstances when everything goes to pot. We here at the Anonymous Jones Headquarters would like to propose that one solution to the day-to-day hassles we all are experiencing, is simply to emigrate to someplace else, leaving current woes behind in favor of the excitement of an unknown future. In coming issues, we will evaluate the pros and cons of the continent of Australia as a target for possible emigration.

Anonymous Jones’ Australian Emigration Newsletter #02


Well, think about it. After all, Australia is a BIG place, and if you’re looking for someplace to get away from your troubles, it should be someplace as big as possible. Also, a lot of Australia is empty, except for a few stone-age aboriginees and one or two really enormous brushfires in the southwestern areas. (Come to think of it, we don’t necessarily recommend southwest Australia.) And above all, Australia is WEIRD! After all, what other continent could have invented kangaroos, boomerangs, billibongs, and words starting with “Q”, WITHOUT a “u” following? Australia also has a good supply of computer bulletin board systems, an essential ingredient for any potential emigration target.

Anonymous Jones’ Australian Emigration Newsletter #03


One of the many attractions of Australia is its beaches. This is a very important consideration for would-be immigrants looking to get away from it all. With 20,000 kilometers of shore-line, and more than a dozen civilized beach resorts, there are more than enough opportunities for a new career as a beachcomber. At some of the beaches, particularly at Granite Bay Beach on Noosa Head, it is possible to find more interesting things to watch than your everyday flotsam and jetsam. Here and at Matlin Beach in Adelaide, and Swanbourne near Perth, skinny-dipping is the rule and voyeurism the pastime. Of course, if you have moral objections to observing the unclad human body, you can go instead to Port Phillip and watch the fairy penguins. (Admission is $1.50 for night shift.)

Anonymous Jones’ Australian Emigration Newsletter #04


Sorry, we simply underestimated the raw animal power of prurient interest, and became distracted by the thought of all those naked… Well, nevermind, here’s how things are laid out in the “land down under.” First, Australia is shaped like a slightly sloppy Beef Wellington, just a little underdone and somewhat bent in the middle, bordered on the west by the Indian Ocean and on the east by the South Pacific Ocean (from the musical of the same name). Down on the bottom right-hand corner there’s a little island called Tasmania (just in case you’ve ever wondered where Tasmania actually WAS) and just a little bit off the map to the right is New Zealand, which is another island and might even have been a better emigration target than Australia, if it had been just a little bigger.

Anonymous Jones’ Australian Emigration Newsletter #05


Let’s take a short break from that geography stuff and talk about camel racing, one of the major attractions of Australia as an emigration target. Many people do not know that there is camel racing in Australia. Even more people do not CARE if there is camel racing in Australia. However, anyone considering getting away from it all has got to consider that betting on camel races is a far cry from fighting the bumper to bumper traffic going out to do a shift at Research Triangle Park each morning. Think about it! Do you really want to spend your life out there counting bits and bytes when you could be playing the camels? Enough said… the choice is clear!

Anonymous Jones’ Australian Emigration Newsletter #06


If YOU have this problem, it’s most likely because either you don’t own a boomerang, or you are right-handed and your boomerang is left-handed, or you kept on walking after throwing it and it just couldn’t find you. Boomerangs are usually one of the things that are associated with Australia, but in fact, most boomerangs are associated with tourists these days. The aborigines use them to entertain tourists in order to get money to buy Gin. The decline of the art of boomerangage in Australia is evidenced by the fact that the world boomerang champions are Americans! Take our advice and spend your time at the nude beaches, unless you ALSO want to start entertaining the tourists in order to buy Gin.

Anonymous Jones’ Australian Emigration Newsletter #07


At the insistence of one of our subscribers and after fully two minutes of intensive research, we are proud to present this specialty issue, which investigates New Zealand as an alternate emigration target for those unwilling to accept the overwhelming superiority of Australia. New Zealand (or NZ as we insiders call it) is a place full of awkward placenames like Auckland and Manukau. It is about as big as Colorado, but is split into two pieces and is completely surrounded by water. It has lots of valleys and hills, with some of the higher hills extending over 10,000 feet above sea level. There are no boomerangs or aborigines in NZ, but there are Maoris, a group of polynesians who thought they owned the island until the British convinced them otherwise in 1870. NZ is also the home of Air New Zealand, an airline that publishes some nice tourist guides, mostly about Australia.

Anonymous Jones’ Australian Emigration Newsletter #08


How did the Maoris come to think they owned New Zealand (NZ) instead of the British? (One might ask.) Well, it could be because they had lived on the islands since 800 A.D., after making a leisurely trip from New Guinea via Tonga and the Society Islands during the previous 5000 years; whereas the British had only noticed the islands when Captain Cook happened by on his way around the world 600 years later. The British proved the pen to be several tenths more of the law than mere possession, particularly since their pens were backed up by their swords. Ever since then the Maoris have mistrusted english-speaking people carrying pens, particularly journalists, which is probably why you hardly ever read anything good about Maoris. This establishes the Maori resemblance to our own Republican politicians, who are rumored to be unwitting dupes of a secret underground Maori plot to get revenge on the British by getting enormously rich on the New York stock exchange and eventually purchasing the British Isles outright.

Anonymous Jones’ Australian Emigration Newsletter #09


(A comparative study of NZ vs. Aussie Mountains.)

First of all, NZ hills are very schizophrenic. For one thing, they can’t decide whether they are British or Polynesian. Right next to Mt. Egmont, for instance, rising 8,261 feet (or 2,518 meters… see, even the maps can’t decide whether to list the height in English or metric), you will find Mt. Ruapehu, rising 9,177 feet (or 2,797 meters). This schizoid terminology extends to most of the other placenames as well. For instance, just east of Hamilton, you will find Tauranga, Rotorua and Whakatane (Honest, folks!); whereas just south of Wanganui, you will find Palmerston North, Masterton and Wellington. Australia, on the other hand has a greater preponderance of hills with proper British names, such as Mount Hopeless, Broken Hill, the Great Dividing Range, and Mount Bruce. Also, having nothing to prove, Australian hills are generally content with lower crests, and rarely attempt to exceed a genteel one mile height.

Anonymous Jones’ Australian Emigration Newsletter #10


Australia, like the United States, enjoys the occasional outdoor sports event such as, for instance, the festival of Henley-on-Todd, which features rowing competition, among other things. Unfortunately, the Todd River is dry during the event, a fact which does not daunt the residents of host town Alice Springs, who hold their rowing festival on the dry riverbed, anyway. Even more unfortunately, Henley-on-Todd is held in the early Spring (that means August in the land down-under) which has caused occasional problems. In at least one instance, the river was flowing with water on race day, and the Town had to hire a contractor to divert the river around the rowing course and create enough dry land for the sand-surfing events. Other popular sporting events include the Alice Springs Bangtail Muster Rodeo, the Darwin Beer Can Regatta, the Australian World Gum Boot Throwing Championship, and the National Cow Chip Throwing Competition. Grafton also hosts the Australian Country Music Awards each year, but to date has been unable to provide any musicians as outstanding as America’s Dolly Parton.

Anonymous Jones’ Australian Emigration Newsletter #11


Once again, our subscribers have made their wishes known! An excellent case has been made for emigration to Siberia rather than either Australia OR New Zealand, which brings the question of whether we here at the Anonymous Jones’ Australian Emigration Headquarters should put out a special issue on Siberia as a potential emigration target. To be sure, we hesitate to mention Siberia (or any other Soviet political subdivision) in the same sentence with the phrase “target”, but realistically, we feel that it is extremely unlikely that Soviet intelligence might have a branch office here in the Research Triangle Area, and anyway, we feel a moral obligation to pursue any sort of investigation which could lead to World Peace and the Postponement of Armageddon. After all, what could the KGB do to us that Senator No and the Radical Right are not already working on? We are now convinced that there may be other deserving emigration targets elsewhere in the world, and will attempt to undertake exhaustive research on these places in response to your suggestions. (Just a moment, someone’s at the door. Back in a minute…)

Anonymous Jones’ Australian Emigration Newsletter #12


Australian animals ARE different, you know. In keeping with its attempt to justify our confidence in Australia as a prime emigration target, the entire continent and its surrounding islands have pulled out all the stops in presenting us with an exotic pallette of animalia. For instance, we all know that there are Kangaroos in Australia, but how many of us know that they come in different sizes, ranging from Youth Small (Musky Rat Kangaroo, weighing in at 1 pound) to Adult Extra-Large (the Red Kangaroo, 200 pounds)? In between is a used-car salesman’s dream of large, mid-size and compact kangaroos, wallaroos and wallabies (other names for kangaroos). Although some types of roos are considered to be endangered and threatened with extinction (the Toolache Wallaby hasn’t been seen for years and the Boodies and the Bridled Nail-Tailed Wallabies are found in diminishing numbers), some other types are flourishing to the extent that on some sheep ranches, there are more boomers (yet another name for roos) than sheep, which would be okay if roos were easier to catch and they tasted as good as mutton. Of course, the roos are no fools – they prefer to eat cardboard instead of vegetables, which no doubt accounts for the yucky taste of kangaroo steak. In addition to kangaroos, of course, Australia has many other wierd critters, which we will attempt to feature in later issues.

Anonymous Jones’ Australian Emigration Newsletter #13


We here at the Anonymous Jones Australian Emigration Headquarters feel that a further expose of animalian kinkiness in the land Down-Under is long overdue. We find it difficult to understand why anyone would be content with a backyard full of stray cats, pigeons, and the occasional squirrel, when through the simple act of emigration, one could have bandicoots, quokkas, kookaburras, euros and platypi. One interesting characteristic of many Australian animals is their use of pockets to stash things in, particularly young animals. This has significant advantages, particularly if you are a Burrowing Wombat and don’t want the kids to wander off while you’re digging in an addition to the rear porch, or a Tasmanian Devil out for an afternoon’s entertainment munching the occasional frilled lizard and terrorizing impressionable tourists. Actually, there’s a real identity crisis among Australian mammals. Ever since the continent turned south instead of north fifty or so million years ago, thereby causing its inhabitants to lose contact with the mainstream evolutionists, Australian animals have been uncertain whether they are mammals or birds. Two species, the Platypus and the Spiny Anteater, even go so far as to lay eggs, a decidedly un-mammalian activity. All this goes to contribute to the growing attraction of Australia as a prime emigration target. After all where else can you have a furry pet that can double as a self-propelled purse?

Anonymous Jones’ Australian Emigration Newsletter #14


It has been brought to our attention that Newsletters #12 and #13 were unusually long and therefore out of balance with the goals of this publication. Moreover, they threaten to weight the message base too heavily on the top and could possibly cause a system crash. We are therefore interposing this short newsletter to reestablish the balance both of our goals and the message base.

This special issue is brought to you solely as a public service.

Anonymous Jones’ Australian Emigration Newsletter #15


First a quick comparison: Australia is in the south, Scotland is in the north. Australia is mostly toasty, Scotland is a little chilly, with fog. Australia is shaped like a beef Wellington, Scotland like the Playboy Bunny. Australia has only one Perth, whereas Scotland has many firths. Australia has wombats, (*Gentle* Kate, we yield,) Scotland has Nessie. How, you might ask, can one ever make meaningful judgments about the relative merits of such dissimilar places as potential emigration targets? Indeed, look at the historical precedent; one indeed sees people fleeing Scotland to settle in the land down under, which implies that Scotland has already been found wanting. What has Scotland to offer? Tune in for AJAEN #16, soon available on your favorite BBS!

Anonymous Jones’ Australian Emigration Newsletter #16


Tis a moot point, since all Scotsmen are different, and who cares, anyway? Remember, we are here to discuss emigration, not indulge in pointless speculation. Actually, it’s pretty tough to find anything attractive about Scotland as an emigration target unless you happen to be a manufacturer of insulated raingear, or golf clubs. Despite contentions to the contrary by the Dutch, golf almost certainly originated in Scotland. There are areas of the countryside that consist of nothing but enormous sand traps spaced out among water hazards with heavy rough in between. Being a frugal society, the Scots are likely to populate their “real” golf courses with sheep, which not only mow the grass, but also provide clothing and sustenance for the golfers. Of course if your first drive off the tee ends up in a sheep, it can really slow down your game. So take it from us – emigrate to Australia instead.

Anonymous Jones’ Australian Emigration Newsletter #17


The original purpose of our Newsletter, for those of you who have been following this series since its inception, was to investigate emigration to Australia as a means of escaping the tedium and pressure of the everyday hassles we all experience. (See AJAEN01) It would be idiotic to emigrate from one boring place to one even more boring, so it would follow that a proper emigration target would have a good supply of non-boring features. So it is with Australia. From Pickaninnie Chasm to Spring Cave, the land south of Adelaide is riddled with enormous flooded limestone caverns, in which the devoted emigrant can get away from his troubles. In fact, it is possible to get away permanently; nearly a dozen people have drowned exploring the land under the land down under during the past two decades. Today the Cave Divers Association furnishes guides and it is harder to do yourself in. Still, Underground Australia could be just the place for a helluva wet t-shirt competition!

Anonymous Jones’ Australian Emigration Newsletter #18


One of the often overlooked characteristics of Australia as an emigration target is its role as a base for emigration in the distant future! Future historian A. Bertram Chandler points out that after the invention of the Mannschein Drive, one of the premiere interstellar spaceports, Port Woomera, will be established in Australia, and it will be from this port that the infamous Commodore John Grimes will undertake his spectacular career. Port Woomera will become the jumping off place for various groups of emigrants over the next several thousand years, and will serve as a waystation for many individuals wishing to emigrate to the Rim Worlds at the edge of the galaxy. If you would like to participate in this exciting future event, you should consider emigrating NOW, to beat the inevitable rush of twenty-third century johnnie come latelies.

Anonymous Jones’ Australian Emigration Newsletter #19


Well, folks, we’ve been slaving away at a hot keyboard here for nearly six months, and have yet to get a single postcard from any of you postmarked from anywhere near Australia. This suggests to us that y’all are not at all serious about this emigration stuff, so in order to save you time and effort, we here at the Anonymous Jones Headquarters have done the hard part and researched the emigration flight information for July 31, 1985:

  • LEAVE 12:26PM on JUL 31 from Raleigh-Durham Airport on Eastern Air Lines FLIGHT 360, on a DC9 aircraft.
  • ARRIVE 1:42PM at New York La Guardia Airport. Commuter service to Kennedy Airport.
  • LEAVE 5:55PM on JUL 31 from New York JFK Airport on Pan American World Airways FLIGHT 817, on a Boeing 747 aircraft.
  • ARRIVE 6:05AM on AUG 2 at Sydney, Australia.

TOTAL TRAVEL TIME – 27 hours, 39 minutes.

This departure date should give you plenty of time to make reservations and round up 1000 or so clams for the fare. Of course, you could wait for a bargain on a flight that’s going to be hijacked to Adelaide. Check with your local ticket agent for the date of the next scheduled hijacking.

Anonymous Jones’ Australian Emigration Newsletter #20


It is clear to us here at the Anonymous Jones’ Australian Emigration Headquarters that many of you consider the concept of emigration to Australia as a harmless frivolity, unworthy of serious consideration and useful at best as only a simple, momentary diversion from the stresses of your day. We offer for your consideration a chronicle which records in eloquent detail the validity of the concept, including its merits and drawbacks, to wit, the following tome: ALEXANDER AND THE TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE, NO GOOD, VERY BAD DAY; written by Judith Viorst; illustrated by Ray Cruz and published in Canada by McClelland & Stewart, Ltd. Lack of space inhibits us from quoting extensively from this magnificent and pivotal work, but perhaps these brief passages from pages one and three will serve to represent the raw power of the book. “I went to sleep with gum in my mouth and now there’s gum in my hair and… I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible no good, very bad day.” and “I think I’ll move to Australia.” Even though the author cops out with a weak ending, the quality of the artwork sustains the book and we believe it to be essential reading for any serious Australian immigrant.

Anonymous Jones’ Australian Emigration Newsletter #21


Let’s face it, folks, a proper emigration target should have DIVERSITY. And so it is with Australian minerals, which come in many varieties, but are most easily categorized as Large, Small and Expensive. Top of the line large minerals include Ayers Rock, which sticks up 1000 large red feet above the Great Victoria Desert, and which can be reached by jeep, airplane or balloon from Alice Springs. Small minerals are exemplified by the spectacular agate-cored thunder eggs of Agate Creek, Tambourine Mountain, Mount Hay and Thunder Egg Farm. However, as always, Expensive is the thing, and you can have your pick! Sapphire and topaz from Glen Innes; gold from historic Beechworth and Red Hill Gully; opal from Coober Pedy… only watch your step, abandoned mine shafts get a couple of careless tourists every year, and opals seem much less Expensive from six feet under the land down-under.

Anonymous Jones’ Australian Emigration Newsletter #22


So there we were late on a Sunday afternoon, peacefully vegetating in front of the TV screen, tuned to ESPN, when what to our wondering eyes should appear, but a miniature field and thirty-six miniature soccer players, BUT… a curious message insisted that the game was something called Australian Rules FOOTBALL. Now, folks, we’ve known since the obscure dawn of antiquity what football is all about. We have heard the bard, Andy Griffith, and we have watched the erudite blatherings of the Cosell, and WE KNOW FOOTBALL. Only, now we’re not so sure. You see, in Australia, the very FIELD is shaped like a football; none of these squared-off corners, don’t you see? And the players, ALL of the players advance the ball by KICKING it; using their FEET, don’t you know? When was the last time you saw an NFL tackle actually KICK the ball? And finally, there is blocking and tackling and punching and gouging and I don’t know what-all, just as Andy described, and the players ARE NOT WEARING BODY-ARMOR! So there it is. We here in America have been settling for a pale washed-out version of True Football all these years. Emigrate to Australia and you can find the REAL THING!

Anonymous Jones’ Australian Emigration Newsletter #23


Being as it was that our last book review (AJAEN #20) has elicited such resounding praise from the newsletter media for its brilliantly perceptive analysis of a modern classic, we here at the Anonymous Jones Headquarters have undertaken a comprehensive cursory search of our extensive reference library and have unearthed another slender volume which must be considered required reading for any potential Australian Emigrant. As you may have guessed, we are speaking of that entertaining work written and illustrated by the impresario Mercer Mayer, and published by Four Winds Press, entitled WHAT DO YOU DO WITH A KANGAROO? The assertive heroine of the book is attacked in her bedroom, in reverse order, by a camel, moose, llama, opossum, tiger, raccoon, and, yes, a kangaroo. Her tragic efforts to repel these assaults, as told in her own poignant words, “You throw them all out, that’s what you do!”, outlines the indomitable spirit of those valiant survivors of the Australian Menagerie and should serve both as guide and raw inspiration for all of you now planning for a life in the down-under.

Anonymous Jones’ Australian Emigration Newsletter #24


After twenty-three of these essays, we have observed that a major attraction of Australia as an emigration target has been ignored, and for that we here at the Anonymous Jones Headquarters are sincerely apologetic. You see, we have learned that Australians, and in particular residents of the Northern Territory, are among the world-class contenders in the sport of drinking BEER! In fact, N.T. (as it is called by its denizens), drinks more beer per capita than any other place in the free world. Author John W. McDermott writes that the Darwin chapter of Alcoholics Anonymous was disbanded in 1969 for lack of support, and Australian beer is generally renowned throughout the world. But be careful when you order a bottle of beer, ’cause those Aussies are definitely serious about their brew… In Darwin, a bottle of the pig’s ear (Aussie for beer) may tank in at 75 ounces!

Anonymous Jones’ Australian Emigration Newsletter #25


On the general premise that a deeper understanding of the beerography of Australia might have a bearing on your choice of settlement locations in the land down-under, we continue our discussion of beer on a more detailed basis. Apart from peripheral events such as the Mindil Beach Beer Can Regatta in Darwin, and the mainstream consumption of the brew across the country, there are a few highlights. These include “Cooper’s Ale”, brewed in the bottle in Adelaide, and which looks like mud, but is generally acclaimed as one of the great beers of the world; and the two great breweries in Sydney, Tooth’s and Toohey’s. The intensity of competition has polarized that city to the extent that pubs specialize in only one brand or the other, so confirm your preference BEFORE you select your pub for the evening… And as befits a nation of beery connoisseurs, you can stipulate the quantity of your quaff, from the PONY, LADY’S WAIST or BUTCHER, all at 5 ounces, the GLASS, the MIDDY, the POT, the SCHOONER, and the PINT, which is not 16 ounces, but 20. Also, be sure to check your wallet for sufficient lolly before you indulge in the amber in a yankee shout, unless the school is mostly full of two-pot screamers…

Anonymous Jones’ Australian Emigration Newsletter #26


Now that you all have seen a quarter-hundred of these essays, we here at the Anonymous Jones’ Headquarters feel that it is time for a brief pop quiz to see if you have assimilated the essence of Aussieism. We warn that the following questions may not derive from the text of back issues, (We cheated and included topics from future newsletters!) and that there is no reward other than your own sure knowledge that you are becoming Aussieized:

  1. The Aussie name for a female aborigine is:
    (a) nark, (b) gin, (c) fluff, (d) chook, (e) airy-jane
  2. Select the term that does not match the others:
    (a) brumby, (b) bitser, (c) cleanskin, (d) prang, (e) roo
  3. A pimple squeezer is:
    (a) a poofter, (b) a pop singer, (c) a nipper, (d) an apprentice cowboy, (e) a born loser
  4. Select the term that means the same as “dunny”:
    (a) loo, (b) plonk, (c) mozzie, (d) ratbag, (e) Van Dyke
  5. If you were going swimming in Australia, which of the following might you be wearing:
    (a) daks, (b) swag, (c) togs, (d) strides, (e) hottie, (f) fannywhackers

If you scored 80% or better on this quiz, you should run, not walk to your nearest Qantas Airways ticket agent and book passage on the next flight! You are a NATURAL Aussie!

Anonymous Jones’ Australian Emigration Newsletter #27


Now you probably thought, having watched all the old Bugs Bunny cartoons, that Tasmania was a wild and desolate place, somewhere west of Borneo, and populated by strange assertive creatures given to grunting and snorting and playing a dusty version of spin-the-devil. In actuality, Tasmania is located south of Australia and is relatively civilized, the original British settlers (mostly convicts) having neatly exterminated all of the indigenous tigers and aborigines some time ago. Tasmania is now known to have all the civilized amenities, such as your Thrifty Rent-A-Car, your Four Seasons Motel and your Tasmanian Government Tourist Bureau. The Tasmanian Devil proved to be not quite as tough as your average dingo and thus has troubles of its own, thus you have nothing to fear there. So when you get to Oz (student lingo for Australia), take a look at Tassie; it’s almost as scenic as New Zealand (*Gentle* Kate, take heed!) and it’s all Australian! And after all, how wild can any place be with a Capitol City named Hobart!

Anonymous Jones’ Australian Emigration Newsletter #28


We here at the Anonymous Jones Headquarters are well aware of the fact that we have not issued an Australian Emigration Newsletter in several weeks now, and despite the fact that the Boss has been busy galivanting all over North America and making a fool of himself on the Chapel Hill Rainbow Soccer fields, we feel badly about this. The primary problem is that our research department has become completely obsessed with the search for the identity of John Steed’s car and has refused to give the Newsletter sufficient attention. When we finally force them out of the TV Trivia section of the library stacks, they come back with information like: “Dinewan boorool diggayah gillunnee. Nahmerhneh boorool doorunmai. Goomblegubbon boolwarrunnee. Goomblegubbon numbardee boorool boolwarrunnee Dinewan numbardee.” When we try to explain that you, our long-suffering readers, have little or no interest in aborigine folk tales in the original Euahlayi language, but instead want to know all the hot stuff about topless nightclubs in Sydney, they mumble arcane epithets about turkeys and emus and stumble off with their magnifying glasses to look at more Avengers re-runs. Rest assured that the matter will not be allowed to rest and that you have our committment that the Newsletter will once more achieve its pre-eminence among Emigration Newsletters! AJAEN will rise again!!!

Anonymous Jones’ Australian Emigration Newsletter #29


Actually, until the Research Department abandons their fruitless Search for the Identity of John Steed’s Car, or SIJSC (not to be confused with SETI, Search for Extra-Terrestrial Intelligence, a much simpler task), we aren’t even sure that there ARE any topless nightclubs in Sydney, but somehow it seems inevitable for a city which identifies its passions as the pursuit of sunshine, beer and s-e-x. Having already dealt with the subject of beer in previous issues, we should probably elaborate on the subject of sunshine, touched upon briefly in the discussion of nude beaches in AJAEN #03. You see, one of the reasons that Sydneysiders spend so much time on the beach is that the water is owned by the SHARKS! Sydney Harbor is the home of no less than 90 species of sharks as well as the Portuguese man-of-war jellyfish. And of course, it’s even harder to see the sharks and jellyfish at night, so it’s safer to simply go drinking beer in a nightclub or indulge in a little s-e-x; and, having been topless on the beaches all day, one would scarcely need to put on one’s shirt for drinking beer, so there you are! Topless nightclubs! (Who needs the Research Department anyway…)

Anonymous Jones’ Australian Emigration Newsletter #30


If you think about it, there’s no real reason to believe that Australia doesn’t have its share of uppity women, and sure enough, it does. Female uppityness goes back a long way in the land down-under. In fact, even writing about liberated women has a long and proud history; Sir Julius Vogel wrote a science fiction book there in 1889 which describes a world in which the President of the United States is a woman and whose hero, Hilda Fitzherbert, is a female member of the Australian Parliament. Hilda’s bill to permit a woman to become Australian Emperor is vetoed by the emperor of the time, and the leader of the opposition, one Lord Reginald Paramatta, tries to kidnap and marry her AGAINST HER WILL. Valiant Hilda eventually prevails, however. She marries the Emperor instead, and he in turn withdraws his veto so that their daughter can become Emperor in her turn. Sound familiar? Maybe us male types should reconsider and emigrate instead to a safer place, maybe Cincinatti?

Anonymous Jones’ Australian Emigration Newsletter #31


AYERS ROCK, Australia (AP), 10/27/85: The government gave back Ayers Rock, the world’s largest monolith and one of Australia’s biggest tourist attractions, to aborigines who consider caves at its base to be sacred. The aborigines, who claim descent from tribes that lived around the rock about 30,000 years ago, immediately leased the monolith and and the national park surrounding it back to the federal government for 99 years. They will be paid $52,500 a year and get 20 percent of admission fees. The aborigines also will be on the park’s board of management.

[Editor’s Note: Remember when our own government wouldn’t even return a little old abandoned rock island (presently rotting away from bureaucratic neglect, by the way) called Alcatraz to the Apaches? Score one for the Aussies, your emigration target of conscience…]

Anonymous Jones’ Australian Emigration Newsletter #32


With the approaching Holiday Season and the return of our Research Department from their myopic obsession with old cars and obscure television shows, we have been flooded with a request for an issue of AJAEN that deals with Christmas in Australia. We are thus saddened to inform our readers that there IS NO true Christmas in Australia. A comprehensive survey of our staff reveals that the following things are necessary for a TRUE Christmas: Pink plastic trees, cards showing pictures of deep snow and cedar trees, songs about sleighbells and fireplaces, cold winter weather, unemployed actors dressed in red suits stuffed with pillows, plastic reindeer with red noses, and long articles in TV Guide deploring the commercialism of the religious festival. Even though some of this stuff may be available in Australia on special order, let’s face it, songs about kiwifruits roasting on open fires just ARE NOT the same, and it is one sure thing that the weather is not going to be COLD there in mid-summer. However, let not this you dismay, because psychologists tell us after all that the Christmas season is boom-time each year for suicides and morbid depression — by quickly emigrating to Christmas-less Australia, you will significantly improve your chances for mental health, which is what this entire series is about anyway! (And pay NO attention to all that Christmas stuff on Australian TV each summer, what do THEY know…)

With best wishes and warm regards for you all in this holiday season…

Anonymous Jones’ Australian Emigration Newsletter #33


Ever since the initial onslaught of this newsletter, there have been many requests from various of our readers for more consideration of New Zealand as a potential emigration target. We continue to try to be responsive to our faithful readers, maintaining research on several broad fronts and evaluating broad profiles on a regular basis. These efforts have brought to light a curious gap in the documentary record, to wit: We have all heard of NEW Zealand, but when have you ever heard of OLD Zealand? Unlike New Amsterdam, New York, New Joizey, and many others which are named after old places, the naming of New Zealand is clouded in mystery. There appears to be no truth to the admittedly fantastic theory that the islands were settled by the fan club of a famous baseball player, the members of which were transported across time and space into the distant past and named their new home “Musialland”, which name has purportedly come to us across the years corrupted into its present form. As we investigate more deeply into this most peculiar matter, however, we can only suggest that you delay your plans to emigrate to New Zealand until we advise you that it appears safe. And if any of you happen to find Old Zealand, please send us a postcard…

Anonymous Jones’ Australian Emigration Newsletter #34


Oceania? What does OCEANIA have to do with the price of a house at SIX COLLECTION PLATES over Charlotte? And just what IS Oceania ANYWAY? ISN’T THIS a series written about emigration to AUSTRALIA? Well, INDEED, my friends, it is, and I’m here to tell YOU TODAY that YOU’VE NOT heard the WHOLE TRUTH about emigration to Australia; I’m here to TELL YOU that YOU don’t have to settle for the PALTRY emigration targets you’ve about read in the LIBERAL press. Friends, I’d like to SHARE WITH YOU the WONDERFUL NEWS that YOU can live a life of SURPASSING FULFILLMENT and SELF-RIGHTEOUSNESS on an island paradise of YOUR OWN CHOOSING, and STILL emigrate to Australia. YOU SEE, my friends, the REGION of THIS GOOD EARTH commonly called OCEANIA also includes CHRISTMAS ISLAND, which is GOVERNED, my friends, by Australia! And in ADDITION, my friends, emigration to this POLYNESIAN WONDERLAND can be as EASY as creating your own COLLEGE or UNIVERSITY. My friends, no matter WHAT your race, or creed, EVEN if YOUR NAME were ARMSTRONG, BAKKER, COPELAND, FALWELL, HELMS, HICKEY, ROBERTS or SWAGGART, you can obtain your PERSONALIZED immigration information packet simply by sending a self-addressed stamped envelope, along with YOUR CHECK for $5,250,000 to: IMMIGRATION Service, CHRISTmas Island, Australia. Remember, that’s IMMIGRATION Service, CHRISTmas Island, Australia. Don’t delay, DO IT TODAY! We’ll NEVER regret it…

Anonymous Jones’ Australian Emigration Newsletter #35


In addition to their problems with Christmas, the Aussies face a second Holiday Crisis every year, again caused by the fact that for them the planet is upside-down and all the good holidays are on the other side. I refer, of course, to good ol’ American Independence Day, which occurs in Australia during the dead of winter! They could of course move it two seasons into January, but the real reason for any Aussie having another holiday anyway is to have an excuse to drink more beer, and on JANUARY 4th everybody is still hung over from the previous New Year’s Eve parties! And after all, how can you have fried-chicken pot-luck picnics immediately after consuming all that hoppin-john and them collards? It’s a point of argument whether Australia should celebrate an American holiday anyway, but the resourceful Australians have solved the problem in their own creative way, choosing to honor the day a few shiploads of convicts arrived to found the city of Sydney back on January 26, 1788. This observance of “Australia Day” not only has the advantage of being in the summer, which is better for picnics, but also coincides with Super Bowl Weekend, which gives them something better to watch after the lamb stew than your average ABC News telecast of fireworks over Miami. So don’t delay, pack your bags and catch the late freighter to Sydney; and don’t forget to send us a Christmas card next July 4th…

Anonymous Jones’ Australian Emigration Newsletter #36


It occurs to us here at the Anonymous Jones Headquarters that many of you may be avoiding emigration to Australia because you are afraid of not being able to find your way around when you arrive. The following brief list of addresses is provided so that you will have some idea how to find someplace somewhere sometime before you get there:

  • Aryan Nations News, PO Box 9, Capacaba, Queensland
  • Bull ‘N’ Bush, 184 Hampstead Rd. Enfield, South Australia
  • Dirty Dick’s, 313 Pacific Highway, Crow’s Nest, N.S.W.
  • Emily Gap Camel Farm, Airport Road, Alice Springs, N.T.
  • Good Woman Inn, 186 Argyle St., Hobart, Tasmania
  • Legal Aid Office, 70 Castlereagh St., Sydney, N.S.W.
  • Miss Maud’s, 97 Murray Street, Perth, Western Australia
  • Petty Sessions, 456 Collins St., Melbourne, Victoria
  • Rumbles Rent-A-Car, 5 Bramble St., Red Hill, A.C.T.
  • Woolloomooloo Woolshed, 132 Forbes St., Woolloomooloo, N.S.W.

Anonymous Jones’ Australian Emigration Newsletter #37


In case you’re wondering WHY the sheep look up, it’s pretty easy to explain, assuming that you know that the sheep live on the beach at Wellington, New Zealand. EVERYBODY on the beach in Wellington either looks up or out to sea. There is a LOT of verticality in Wellington, even more than average for New Zealand, and there are a LOT of sheep around, over 55 million of the critters in 1985, and new ones arriving every day. This makes New Zealand a great place to order Mutton Stew, if by chance you LIKE Mutton Stew. The sheep also provide self-propelled mobile mowing facilities to help keep the one-third of the landscape that is covered with grass neatly trimmed, so that it will contrast in the travel book photographs with the one-third of New Zealand that is mountainous. Of course, those little white dots in the photographs ARE a bit distracting (the sheep density in some areas AVERAGES more than 8 woolies per acre), but what the heck, no place is perfect and if you get tired of sheep shearing you can always emigrate to Australia.

Anonymous Jones’ Australian Emigration Newsletter #38


If you’ve got the idea from these essays that Australia is a really macho sort of place, you may be right. In point of fact, Australia is arguably THE macho place. Even the women in Australia are pretty much macho, and Australian television game shows bear the same relationship to American television game shows that the average cock fight bears to an afternoon meeting of the ladies’ auxilliary. In the most popular such show, aptly called “Knockout”, almost no one actually gets killed onscreen, although broken arms and legs are common. As you know from these pages, Australian Rules football is more like a street brawl than a game, and even when they set out to gamble, the Australians like it tough and simple. In Kalgoorlie, Western Australia, the game is “Two-Up”. Two coins are tossed in the air from a wooden paddle. You call heads or tails and you win if both coins show your choice. The average bet is $20 a throw, and afterwards you can spend your winnings down on Hay Street with Madam Mona and her girls. It’s all illegal, but what the heck… the games are closed on payday, so where’s the harm anyhow, eh, mate? And watch for “Knockout” coming to your American television screens soon. If we here at the Anonymous Jones Headquarters can’t get you to go to Australia, we’ll just arrange to get Australia to come here to you!

Anonymous Jones’ Australian Emigration Newsletter #39


One of the more pleasant attractions of Australia is the awesome magnitude of the magnificent vistas visible from an automobile on an Australian road. Some of the roads stretch unbroken for hundreds of miles through the wild Australian countryside. One such, the Eyre Highway across the Nullabor Plain passes only a half dozen small towns in nearly 750 miles. In some areas, in fact, the principal traffic encountered is kangaroos, not cars; the roos find the even surface of the roadway well-suited for high-speed long-distance travel. The right-of-way rules are simple enough; you drive on the left and anybody on your right has right-of-way! (It is uncertain whether the roos understand this.) This and other regulatory simplicities prompt Australian Automobilists to unusual creativity and assertiveness in their driving style, which can bemuse and befuddle the newcomer, for instance, who has observed the common but inexplicable Single-car Accident In The Middle Of An Utterly Desolate Road At Least A Hundred Miles From The Nearest Civilization. But after all, consider that you are at least as safe in Sydney as you might be on I-40 between Raleigh and the Research Triangle at 7:30 in the morning, and furthermore, no one on I-40 ever gets passed by a speeding west-bound kangaroo…

Anonymous Jones’ Australian Emigration Newsletter #40


With this, AJAEN’s fortieth issue, we here at the Anonymous Jones Headquarters are proud to announce that we are now officially over the hill and cannot be trusted by anybody thirty-nine or under. Actually, we considered numbering all future issues #39 in the great Jack Bennyan tradition, but considered that trying to distinguish among all those different issues would become increasingly more trying as time passed, no doubt leading to early senility and a serious reduction in the hitherto unparalled wit and entertainment value of our simple but highly erudite publication. (At least that’s what our mother told us…) Also, this way we can continue to pull the (New Zealand) wool over *Gentle* Kate’s eyes, and yolk a little more about the egg-laying mammals in the infamous Australian Menagerie. So here we go, folks, it’s downhill all the way to the half-century mark and the next Pop Quiz. Stay tuned and keep that card or letter coming. Remember, we aims to please, and that means YOU…

Anonymous Jones’ Australian Emigration Newsletter #41


Look, folks, we thought we covered this subject in issue #29 about Sydney, and alluded to it in issue #03. Since you asked, however, OF COURSE there is s-e-x after #40, but give us time! Here we are only just recently over the hill, and as we discussed, there are some pretty big hills in Australia. In the meanwhile, however, our newest roving correspondent reports from the back room of the Charlotte Airport News and Sundries Adult Entertainment Store that Australia is the home of the famous “Atreus” and his houseful of “bondage beauties”, several young women who pose for photographs wearing either tennis outfits and white nylon ropes, or white nylon ropes and no outfits at all. We’re not sure how one indulges in s-e-x while one is hogtied fully clothed, but if any of our female readers want to volunteer to help research the matter, send private Email to: Anonymous Jones, c/o AJIS Research Department, 919-832-0035 in Raleigh, NC, and we’ll work SOMETHING out!

Anonymous Jones’ Australian Emigration Newsletter #42


The following communication was received at the Anonymous Jones Headquarters several weeks ago. We’re not SURE, but we think it’s from a real Aussie visiting in the Research Triangle Area. Names have been changed to protect the guilty; a running translation is included in brackets:

‘Ello Maitee,
[Dear Editor,]

Whuts a ruddy boomer ta do w’thishere blinking blabsnabber?
[What the heck!]

‘Ere I was, just cruizin’ the dialerup…
[I was just calling around on the boards…]

[…and was I ever surprised!]

Some bloke jumps up w’all this stuff on the blessed land o’ Queensland, Adelaide, Sydney and points south.
[…to see that somebody was writing a newsletter about Australia.]

Just who have I got ‘ere anyhows?
[I don’t know who you are, but keep up the good work!]

Currently at th’Best Western, Cary.
[I’m visiting in the RTP area.]

Dave Mafford

Anonymous Jones’ Australian Emigration Newsletter #43


Of course you know Paul Hogan, even if you didn’t think you did. He’s the fella what says “G’day” to you on American television. United Airlines inflight magazine for June 1986 tells us that he’s an actor/comedian who now does commercials for Fosters beer, and who volunteers his time free to write and perform the Aussie tourism commercials, modestly admitting “They couldn’t afford (to pay) me.” And he’s not above a bit of irreverence. He once performed a “Religious Olympics” comedy sketch featuring such events as pole-vaulting for popes, and opened a performance for Queen Elizabeth by inviting her home for dinner. Hogan insists that despite “too much government”, Australia is still a pioneer country with plenty of elbow room. So what have we been telling y’all all this time? Well, here you have it again, only this time straight from the Aussie’s mouth!

Anonymous Jones’ Australian Emigration Newsletter #44


By now, there must be one or two BBS users in North America who haven’t heard that Mike Cane said some VERY nice things about your favorite newsletter in his new edition of the COMPUTER PHONE BOOK (c), now available in bookstores throughout the USA. We have now been thoroughly spoiled by all the attention caused by his kind words, and in particular, we appreciate the national exposure for our efforts here. It is clear that Mr. Cane has understood the importance of our mission and is working to extend its impact. We are hereby designating him to be an AJIS Honorary Australian Emigrant, with all the rights and privileges pertaining thereto, and urge you all to buy his book before you get on the airplane to Adelaide. It’s fascinating reading and big enough not to lose, AND it has the AJIS phone number in large print, so no matter how much you may drink of Cooper’s, Tooth’s, or Toohey’s, you will always be able to call back to Downtown Raleigh and download the latest issue of AJAEN!

Anonymous Jones’ Australian Emigration Newsletter #45


Grolier’s American Academic Encyclopedia (Electronic Version) reports that marsupials are a group of mammals which have marsupia, or pouches. Now you probably thought you knew that and may even have had an inkling that they came in all sizes and shapes, ranging from the tiny “planigale subtilissima” to the enormous “macropus giganteus”. Folks, no matter what you thought you knew about marsupials, you probably don’t know enough. Those suckers are purely WEIRD and no doubt about it. Even if you overlook their bizarre sex lives (this IS a family sort of newsletter, after all), there are plenty of weirdities to consider. It could be a challenge simply trying to figure out which animals ARE marsupials, since some of them only grow pouches when they need them. It’s even possible that a person with an interest in biology might find a new career trying to find out more about marsupials. And what better place than Australia, where you will find nearly 75% of all marsupials hanging around. So grab your binoculars and catch the first flight to Perth. And give us a report back here in the States if it’s true that a kangaroo is just a marsupial horse with a bad case of hiccups…

Anonymous Jones’ Australian Emigration Newsletter #46


Some of the sheep mentioned in AJAEN #37 live on the beach in Auckland, a city in New Zealand that is about the size of Charlotte, North Carolina, but is built on top of old volcanoes instead of old gold mines. Sometime back in the eighteenth century, Auckland was more or less bought from the more or less native Maoris for $110 cash, 50 blankets, 20 shirts, 20 pairs of trousers, 100 yards of cloth, 10 waistcoats, 10 caps, 20 hatchets, a bag of sugar, a bag of flour, 10 iron pots, 4 casks of tobacco and a box of pipes. The folks doing the buying were the Dutch, who usually struck a better deal, but had been hard-pressed by rising land values south of the equator, and by inflationary forces which had driven real-estate prices up since their earlier purchase of Manhattan Island from the North American indians. Today, despite its odd name, Auckland is an okay place to live (if you like sheep on your beaches), but can’t really compare with Perth, an Australian city on a beach which is the new home of the America’s Cup, and which keeps its sheep properly hidden away on inland pasturelands. With all due respect to our worthy associates, the NEW ZEALAND APPRECIATION NEWS, take our advice; VISIT New Zealand, but EMIGRATE to Australia. You’ll be glad you did.

Anonymous Jones’ Australian Emigration Newsletter #47


First of all, you do have to understand that in the down under, vittles are known as tucker, not vittles. That is similar to America, where vittles are occasionally known as chow, or even occasionally as cuisine. Tucker in Australia can consist of almost anything, so long as it’s washed down with beer. Pizza, tacos, chow mein and hamburgers all qualify as tucker, although for the most part Aussie cooking looks awfully British. Fish and chips are fair dinkum tucker, and the menu is heavy on beef and mutton. All in all, culture shock should remain at a minimum as long as you can get along without grits; and you DON’T have to give up barbecue. So book your passage on your nearest airline! After 24 hours aloft on Air Host meals, even barbecued oysters will look good!

Anonymous Jones’ Australian Emigration Newsletter #48


Things you probably didn’t know about Australia:

  • The distance from Brisbane to Perth is roughly the same as from Ireland to Iran. (The distance from Cairns to Perth, both in Australia, is over 6,000 miles.)
  • Importation of plants, animals, and insects into Australia is strictly prohibited. Before landing in Australia, Customs Officials spray the inside of your airplane with insecticide.
  • The telephone number of the American Embassy in Canberra is 062-73-7311.
  • The Gold Coast Motortrail Express train takes 15 hours to go from Sydney to Murwillumbah.
  • Australian $10 bills are blue. (It costs a minimum of $20 to leave Australia. You might as well stay and save money!)

Anonymous Jones’ Australian Emigration Newsletter #49


As you might have guessed, where there are TAME camels, you can almost bet that there are WILD camels. So if you’re tired of betting on camels (See AJAEN #05), you can go to Alice Springs and try to hunt one down and catch it. Now, hunting camels in Australia is rather more easily talked about than actually accomplished. To begin with , you have to FIND the camels, and with only about 120,000 wild camels in the almost 3,000,000 square miles of Australian desert, you end up at best with only about ONE camel every 28 square miles or so. To make things worse, wild camels tend to bunch up together as far away from you as possible, since they don’t want to get caught and have to go act foolish in the Alice Springs Derby each year, so the actual incidence of camels in most 28 square mile areas is far lower than one camel. Still, you can’t blame a bloke for tryin’, and if you insist on hunting camels, and you actually manage to CATCH one, you can always ride him to dinner at the Chateau Hornsby. Just don’t drink too much beer while you’re there. Riding camels while intoxicated is a serious traffic violation in Alice Springs…

Anonymous Jones’ Australian Emigration Newsletter #50


One of our readers has issued an earnest and heartfelt plea for an issue about BACTERIA in Australia. We attempted to find some way to expand on this MICROSCOPIC topic, but although INFECTED with enthusiasm, we here at the Anonymous Jones Headquarters couldn’t come up with the TINIEST GERM of an idea. The Research Department is now RECUPERATING nicely from the stress and most of the staff have stopped wandering around in the Research Department vault muttering “VI-RUS, lord, VI-RUS?”

Anonymous Jones’ Australian Emigration Newsletter #51


Those of you who didn’t take us seriously when we warned that a pop quiz was coming must now pay the price for your ignorance! Everybody get out a pencil and a clean sheet of paper and put all your books and notes under your seats. Put your name and the date in the upper right hand corner of the page, and number your papers from 1 to 5. You have the rest of this issue to complete the quiz and hand in your answers. And NO hints! If you don’t know this stuff by now, you’ll NEVER know it. Now here are the questions, I’m going to the Lounge for a Jack and Splash…

  1. Which of the following phrases is NOT archaic usage?
    a) “G’day, dig, how’s she goin’?”
    b) “Howyagoin, mate, orright?”
    c) “He’s a bonzer cobber, he is!”
  2. Where in Australia can you ride to dinner on a camel?
    a) Olga Ranges
    b) Lady Elliot Island
    c) Julia Creek
    d) Alice Springs
  3. Which of the following is NOT in Australia?
    a) New England National Park
    b) Tweed Head National Park
    c) Walls of Jerusalem National Park
    d) Hartz Mountains National Park
  4. In Australia, a MEGAPODE is:
    a) A wild turkey of the species “Megapodius Freycinet”.
    b) An immigrant who settles in the Megapodes Islands.
    c) A memorial in Canberra, designed by Walter B. Griffin.
    d) An inebriated opal miner riding to dinner on a camel.
  5. Which of the following individuals is NOT an Australian?
    a) Evonne Goolagong-Cawley
    b) Jack Brabham
    c) Linnette Hawke-Symes
    d) Olivia Newton-John

And don’t forget, a beaut score like 80%, along with a one-way ticket to Perth, will get ya a fair dinkum dekko at the bloody America’s Cup races, sport!

Anonymous Jones’ Australian Emigration Newsletter #52


My friends, Paul Hogan has followed up his tourist ads for Australia with a Movie — FINANCED by Paul Hogan, WRITTEN by Paul Hogan and STARRING Paul Hogan. Now if that were to happen in the good old USA, you can be sure that the movie would actually have been financed by Madison Avenue, written by Madison Avenue, and starring some marketable actor with a Madison Avenue face, but not so with this Australian. Mr. Hogan sets out to show a little of the humor that punctuates the similarities and differences between two (allegedly) English-speaking countries, and succeeds — in fact with considerable Class. The movie is consistently funny, believable and understated, evoking an enthusiastic audience response ranging from amused grins to raucous applause. We here at the Anonymous Jones HQ vote an unequivocable “Hats Off!” to Mr. Hogan’s effort, and note that if you had previously emigrated to Australia, you could have seen the film nearly a year before it opened here in the hinterlands!

Anonymous Jones’ Australian Emigration Newsletter #53


Once upon a time there was a sleepy little town called FREMANTLE on the west coast of Australia, near a sleepy big town called PERTH. From Fremantle, a Perthian hero called John of Bertrand had set forth on a voyage of conquest into Newport Harbor in the Land of the Giant Yacht Club of New York, armed with a sacred keel to which he had attached wings stolen from Mercury, the God of Speed. Using this keel, he wrested possession of the mystical America’s Cup away from the great Dennis of Connor, the bravest warrior of the New York Giants, and placed the Cup in a special guarded chamber in Fremantle. Alas, the hero John failed to guard the prize himself and instead gave this duty to a small bird called Kookaburra. The Giants soon sent their great warrior to the town of Fremantle to repossess the ancient Cup, and garbed him in a magical headdress of blood-red stripes and white stars surrounded with the blue darkness of night. Dennis smote many false warriors who would have stolen from him his true duty, and endured the evil eyes of the dread ESPN commentators, who placed crystal spy-jewels aboard his vessel to drain his vital essences and profit from his weaknesses. However, undaunted, Dennis plucked and baked the hapless Kookaburra there on the shores of the Ocean of Indians, and reclaimed the Cup for his village of Saint Diago in the land of the Giants. (If this tale seems to make any sense to you at all, you are clearly burned out and ready for a change; and what better change than to emigrate to FREMANTLE, AUSTRALIA, the only place in the world you can be certain ESPN will NOT be around for the next three years to drain YOUR vital essences!)

Anonymous Jones’ Australian Emigration Newsletter #54


…since we began these little epics, and throughout it all, in thick and in thin (we’ve personally gotten 15 pounds thicker during that time), we have attempted to bring you the very best information to prepare you for your emigration effort; and so we are continuing with a tip about the crocodiles of Cape York Peninsula, Queensland. The crocs of Cape York have good internal clocks; they remember each day and each time you go swimming. It’s grim to end up in the swim with a croc; so your safety demands that you bollix his clock, which you do by not always dependably wading each day when the sunlight is dawning or fading. Swim sometimes at teatime when teacups are brimming and sometimes at midnight when moonlight’s cascading; you’ll stand a good chance of evading a trimming by crocs as you’re swimming or diving or wading. This tip has been thought up by AJHQ and published ‘lectronically here just for you.

Anonymous Jones’ Australian Emigration Newsletter #55


If you’re considering emigrating to Australia, there’s a very good chance you’re an out-of-work survivalist looking for a more deserted desert (Australia has some very good deserts) in which to practice your surviving. If so, you’ll be interested in the following authentic aborigine method for collecting water if you’re out surviving in the Australian desert. First, dig a hole about three feet by three feet by two feet deep and put a billy in the bottom. Next, cut as many green plants as you can find and stack them all around inside the hole; stretch a plastic sheet over it, anchored at the edges, and place a small rock on the sheet directly over the billy. Finally, wait six hours and you will find that about a liter of water has condensed on the sheet and dripped down to collect in the billy. If this seems like too much trouble, you might instead look up the nearest authentic aborigine and see if he’ll share his Toohey’s beer with you; with luck he’ll look up his bush pilot uncle and fly you all to Sydney for a night’s entertainment in the Topless Nightclubs…

Anonymous Jones’ Australian Emigration Newsletter #56


Once upon a time, many years ago, some foolish human tied some long boards on his feet and discovered that if it had snowed recently, he could slide down the side of a mountain. For unknown reasons, this quaint custom has persisted into the present day, and is even to be found in Australia. Yes, *Gentle* Kate, all of Australia is not deserts or mutton ranches, some of the land down-under is in fact land that is rather much overhead, and often covered with snow and ice. Every winter (that’s June through September for us topsiders) thousands of otherwise rational Aussies pack up their autos and head for Koskiusko National Park or perhaps Mount Hotham to spend a few days sliding down mountains, getting drunk on beer and breaking their arms and legs. So far as we know, the Australian Immigration Authorities do not yet consider people with these fetishes to be inadmissible as immigrants, so if YOU like to go skiing, you should quickly file for immigration before the Aussies discover the truth about this insidious affliction! Emigrate today, before it’s too late!!!

Anonymous Jones’ Australian Emigration Newsletter #57


We here at the Anonymous Jones Headquarters are often questioned by curious people who wonder where the Australian Emigration Newsletter came from and why it focuses on Australia in particular as an Emigration Target. “Why not Bulgaria,” they ask, “or Lithuania, or Seattle?” For those of you new to the Newsletters, we will explain that the idea originated about two years ago in a correspondence between ourselves, Anonymous Jones, and a rather pleasant person calling herself *Gentle* Kate, on Science Fiction Writer’s Net BBS in Winston-Salem, North Carolina. (Still up at 919-922-3308, by the way…) We had been very unhappy about the way our life was going and generally grumping around in the SFWN message base. Kate called our bluff and challenged us to DO something about it. The rest is history; from Kate’s brief remarks has grown the foundation of our present Anonymous quasi-fame and nearly widespread semi-popularity. We hope you have enjoyed our efforts and will try not to bore you in future editions; and when YOU emigrate to Australia, please take your copies of the Newsletter with you and spread them around. Report any efforts by the locals to lynch or deport you, so we’ll know to avoid those areas of Australia when WE finally emigrate there ourselves!

Anonymous Jones’ Australian Emigration Newsletter #58


The truth of the matter is that most of you, our stalwart and loyal readers, don’t really care WHAT they call anything, as long as you like what it does, how it tastes, or how much money you can make by selling it to other people. Nevertheless, the idea of having to smear salty black yeast paste on a piece of toast and chomp away on it may make many of you wonder about whether you want to pack up your bags, sell your belongings, and emigrate to a place where the natives consume over five thousand metric tons of such stuff each year. Well, don’t be dismayed at the situation… You can always do what the Aussies do and stir it with hot water to drink, or simply add it to your stew. And if you just can’t stand the taste AT ALL, simply mix up a solution of the stuff and inject it directly into your bloodstream! (We’re NOT kidding!) This is not to suggest that the Aussies have a fetish about this Vegemite stuff, but you’re gonna see a lot of it when you emigrate, so why take chances? You can buy the stuff these days in Beverly Hills, so you might want to pre-emigrate THERE first and try it out for taste. Our guess however is that after a couple of days of Beverly Hills prices and a visit to Universal Studios looney park, you won’t CARE what it tastes like if they’ll only just get out of your way and let you get on a plane to someplace civilized, like Sydney!

Anonymous Jones’ Australian Emigration Newsletter #59


Hey, folks, we’ve been touting the benefits of emigrating to Australia for about two years now, but recently we’ve begun to suspect that there’s an odorous rodent in paradise. In particular, we are developing a suspicion about the Aussie skill at cooking. After all, remember, this nation was founded by a bunch of convicts and sheep, which seems an unlikely combination for the early development of high cuisine, AJAEN #47 not withstanding. Then there are those Paul Hogan commercials where he barbecues things like shrimp, and more recently, the discovery of the dreaded Vegemite fetish. Now we have further evidence in the form of a list from the Australian Consulate-General, showing the skills deemed most desirable in immigrants, and folks, fully 25% of the listed occupations are directly associated with RESTAURANTS! Yessir, there it is, the most wanted immigrants are chefs of various types, pastry cooks and something called “skilled waiters”, whatever they might be. Don’t be too upset by this apparent flaw in the Australian National Character however, because they seem to be trying to do better. So sign up now and be prepared to make your fortune; YOU might be just the pastry cook to turn the tide and make Crepes Kangareux the envy of the continent.

Anonymous Jones’ Australian Emigration Newsletter #60


Yes, Jiminy, there IS Cricket in Australia. In fact, Cricket is a major sport, often exceeding Australian Rules Football in popularity among Aussie sports fans. It’s not clear exactly WHY Cricket is so popular, but it might have something to do with the fact that major league, or “Test” matches usually last for days, which gives the Aussie sports fan an excuse to stay out of the office and drink more beer. Rules football, on the other hand, seldom lasts more than a couple of hours, since by that time, all the good players have been taken back to the hospital for stitches and casts, and the game just isn’t the same without them. Cricket is also known for its intricate terminology, as in this excerpt from HOW TO PLAY CRICKET, by Garrie Hutchinson, and published by McPhee Gribble: “The batsman can be out stumped if the wicket keeper knocks the bails off, ball in hand, while the batsman and his bat are out of the crease.” Can’t you just HEAR Howard Cosell getting hold of THAT one? Anyway, if you’ve noticed that Monday Night Foot/Base/Basketball just isn’t the same any more, pick up that ticket to Melbourne and watch them bowl a few down the pitch; and no chance for boredom, it’ll take you hours each game just to figure out if your favorite player is in at Square Leg or Silly Mid-On position!

Anonymous Jones’ Australian Emigration Newsletter #61


Heh, heh, heh, there ARE topless nightclubs in Sydney! (See AJAEN #29.) Actually, they’re topless and bottomless and… well, you get the idea. Mostly these establishments are located approximately where Darlinghurst meets Elizabeth Bay at Potts Point and feature the suntanned skin of both sexes, and plenty of it. Dinner is often available with the show and gambling is also on the menu here and there. Unlike any other district in Australia, King’s Cross is probably worth emigrating to on its own merits (or lack thereof!) without any further considerations whatsoever! And the EL ALAMEIN FOUNTAIN on Darlinghurst Road, according to Frommers’, “shimmers in the floodlights like a giant thistledown, dispensing beauty in all directions, free of charge.” We rest our case…

Anonymous Jones’ Australian Emigration Newsletter 62


Okay, folks, admit it! How many of you only read this Newsletter because YOU thought we meant “How to play FOOTSIE”? We thought so! Sorry, but we’re here today to tell you more about Australian Rules Football, arguably the toughest football game going, easily rivaling Rugby for raw mayhem-wreaking. Actually Footy and Rugby are both about 125 years old, but Footy is played with 18 players on each team, which introduces a small problem of terminology. The traditional names (such as “Forward”, “Fullback”, “Halfback”, “Wing” and such) that you find in Rugby, Soccer, and American Football all run out before the players do, leading to such odd positions as “Follower” and “Back Pocket” (Honest folks!) near mid-field. Nevertheless, the game is so tough that elementary training manuals give information on the proper techniques for catching a ball while you’re lying flat on your back from having been tackled, bumped, smothered, grabbed, pushed or shoved, all legal so long as it’s done between your knees and your neck! Face it folks, those overpaid turftanks on NFL Today will never seem tough again! So fly to Melbourne today and check it out. Be sure to tell them that Ol’ Anon sent ya, y’hear?

Anonymous Jones’ Australian Emigration Newsletter #63


Those of you who decided to read this essay in hopes you would learn some juicy tidbits about obscure aboriginal sexual practices are gonna be pretty disappointed. The titillating title refers instead to the fact that American Television Sitcom has invaded our favorite emigration target, and it may never be the same again. “Facts Of Life” has taped a show in Sydney, folks, and recorded for all posterity the cutesy inflated giant kangaroo balloons and other similar tourist geegaws the Japanese sell to curio shops all over the allegedly civilized world. ALL hope is not lost, however. If enough of you emigrate IMMEDIATELY to Sydney, there’s a good chance you can arrange to meet the next sitcom production crew getting off their airplane and quickly smear Vegemite into their Minicams and Portacorders. A few such encounters and even if they can clean off their drive capstans, they’ll be ordered away to tape the NEXT trendy fad, probably miniskirt manufacturing in Botswanaland. (We hear the Graceland Album and Video Special are doing quite well these days.) Either way, the land down-under will be saved for another few years of “barbies” and “g’days”, and you’ll be able to tell your (Australian) grandchildren about the time you saved ol’ Oz from the dreaded American Television Producers, ‘way back in ’87!

Anonymous Jones’ Australian Emigration Newsletter #64


How many of you remember that Christmas in Australia comes during the summer? If NOT, quickly go read AJAEN #32; the rest of you, gather around Father Anon and let me tell you a little story. You see, having Christmas in the summer means having New Year’s Day in the summer, too, so it could be that New Year’s parties down-under would look a lot like July 4th celebrations on the Eno River. And so it is! One of the more popular New Year’s parties is the Country Music Festival at Nariel Creek near Corryong, which is a little like New Year’s on Times Square combined with a country music hoedown and the Spivey’s Corner Hog Hollerin’ Contest. Folk musicians from all over Australia substitute for Guy Lombardo’s Orchestra, and in true Aussie fashion, the party lasts for three days or until the beer runs out. When the kissing starts at midnight on the outdoor dance lawn at Nariel Campground, it often continues in a secluded grove somewhere down along the banks of the creek. So grab your favorite kissing friend and book your flight right away! You’ve got about five days to get there and you should just be just in time!

Anonymous Jones’ Australian Emigration Newsletter #65


AJIS congratulates Australia on the occasion of its 200th birthday, January 26, 1988. We have enjoyed poking a little fun at our friends from down under during the past several years, but all kidding aside, Australia is probably today the world’s emigration target of choice, with an immigration policy based on individual economic and social value, and with lots of space and opportunity for new citizens. Indeed, it’s arguable that since Australia abandoned its anti-Asian all-white immigration stand a couple of decades ago, (National Public Radio reports Australia’s motto was virtually “two Wongs don’t make a white!”) Australia has replaced the United States as the land of opportunity for the world’s masses yearning to breathe free. A good show all around, and worthy of our attention and applause. Hats off and three cheers for Oz on its birthday, and many happy returns!!!

Anonymous Jones’ Australian Emigration Newsletter #66


There are lots of guidebooks available to help you find your way around Australia. We here at the Anonymous Jones Headquarters even use them in our research from time to time, since none of you have offered us a free flight to Canberra to check out the Parliamentary Lunch Counter. We suggest “Hildebrand’s Travel Guide to Australia” for the most information in the smallest package. “Frommer’s Australia on $25 a Day” is interesting, but printed on paper the average roo would love to sink his chompers into, so watch your back pocket in the outback, mate. We confess to liking “How to Get Lost and Found in Australia” more than any of the others, but it won’t help you locate topless nightclubs in Sydney. All in all, however, you could do worse, not only for a snowy afternoon’s reading here in the States, but also that last minute brushup on your plane between Rarotonga and Auckland!

Anonymous Jones’ Australian Emigration Newsletter #67


As those regular readers of you are aware, from time to time, we here at the AJHQ investigate the possibility that other immigration targets may somehow be compared favorably to our jewel of the down-under, Australia, herself! So we were interested when a plain brown envelope arrived on our desk postmarked Juneau, Alaska. Could it be, we asked ourselves, that Alaska was an emigration target worthy of consideration??? NAW! Came the answer. Who do these guys think they’re kidding anyway? The flyer in the envelope says, “Once you’ve gone to Alaska, you never come all the way back.” Of course you don’t! You leave all the frost-bitten parts in Anchorage! Ya gotta crawl over the dadgum Alaska Pipeline just to get from one side of the place to the other, for goodness sakes! So don’t be misled by official hype about Alaska. Take our advice instead and book your flight to Kalgoorlie right away. Betting on the bangtails beats bobbing for bears by a longshot any old day…

Anonymous Jones’ Australian Emigration Newsletter #68


Now there are probably those of you who know that Australia is somewhere southwest of Alabama, but it never seemed important enough to jump in the Gulf of Mexico and start swimming toward Cooper Pedy. This actually shows good judgment, since the swim would become quite difficult once you got to Lizard Island and purely impossible just this side of Cooktown. Happily, our intrepid roving correspondent advises that swimming as far as Alabama is sufficient to get at least a taste of the life Down-Under, providing only that you stop in Huntsville and try the fair dinkum tucker at the Down Under Restaurant on Jordan Lane. The Down Under, featuring such delicacies as Tasmanian Olives, Jumbuck Roast and Kangaroo (By Request Only), has been praised by the likes of Mel Gibson, Paul Hogan, Darth Vader and Ethel and the Shameless Hussies. The AJHQ staff are grateful to Mr. Danny Reid of Chapel Hill for this tip and hope to make a visit ourselves the next time our favorite airline has a $29 special fare from here to there. Why not plan to join us for a Vegemite Sanger and a Trifle in America’s own down under, Alabama, home of the Down Under!